Charlie Boy!
by evalentine
Summary: Alliteration Universe - Jack and Ianto have returned home after an extended honeymoon. They invite close friends and family to a house warming party. Can they get through the day without any family embarrassment and make their big announcement.


Charlie Boy!

* * *

For the first time in months the air around the work stations in the Hub were redolent with the divine smell of Ianto's particular brand of coffee. Tapping his foot Owen waited, his arms crossed, scowling as Ianto approached him with a tray full of mugs.

"About bloody time." Owen snatched his mug from the tray. It slopped over his wrist and he hastily licked his hand so as not to waste a single drop of the precious liquid.

"It's only ten past ten," Ianto pointed out.

"It's late."

"Ten minutes is not late," Gwen said, turning to face Owen.

"To be exact it's eleven months, fifteen days and ten minutes late," Owen snapped back.

"Were we away that long?" Ianto moved to offer a mug to Tosh who had lost her normal Zen-like calm and was almost hopping foot to foot as Ianto approached.

"Yes you bloody well were," Owen told him. "You two have just taken the longest honeymoon in the history of Torchwood. Not that we should be surprised. The pair of you has been bloody useless since your negotiation. Six bloody weeks holed up in that flat of yours, broken only by a flying visit from Jack as he moved himself out of the Hub and I presume back into your bed. What the hell took so bloody long to negotiate is beyond me!"

"Well, I had this list," Ianto said, thinking that trying to explain the nuances of the delicate and erotic exploration of his and Jack's bodies and all the delights would be lost on Owen. Just lips had taken a week; well six weeks if he was going to be honest with adventures still ongoing.

Owen took a sip from his mug and tried to stifle the groan of ecstasy that he felt rising from his chest. "And when the pair of ya did come back you both wandered around like a pair of love sick puppies. Then I have to endure weeks of wedding planning. Should we do it ourselves? Would it be useful to have a wedding planner? Do we need doves? Fucking doves for Christ sake. Who do we invite? Who sits where? What kind of food should we have, sit down or buffet? How many bloody tiers should the wedding cake have? A whole fucking day talking about tiers on bloody cakes." Owen pointed to himself with his mug "There were tears alright...mine!"

"Then followed the saga of the vows? Coming a close second was," Owen mimicked Ianto's voice, "what colour should the bridesmaid's dresses be? Should there be floral arrangements on the tables, and should they be coordinated with yours and Jack's buttonholes? Should Mica, your cousin Rhiannon's daughter, be asked to be a flower girl and could she be trusted to walk down the aisle with her brother David? Followed by, could Steven handle being a groomsman and could he be trusted with the rings? And I'm not even going to start on what should the song for our first dance be? I thought my head would explode."

"Oh it was lovely," Gwen took sip of coffee as she closed her eyes in remembrance. "Never thought Jack would go for traditional."

"So romantic," Tosh said with a sigh.

"Jack's vows. Who would have thought Jack was a poet?" Gwen continued and Tosh nodded in agreement.

"Poet my arse," Owen retorted. "And I didn't even get to shag a bridesmaid as my reward for being best man."

"But you did get drunk," Gwen reminded him.

"Drunk out of my skull. Which meant I enjoyed hours of blissful nothing. I came to hoping the previous five months have been some fucking horrible nightmare. Nope it was all too real. Then you and Jack fuck off leaving me here to cope with the nightmare of instant coffee and just when I reach the end of my endurance…."

"He means the reports you normally do for him, Ianto, were piled up on his desk awaiting your return," Tosh interjected.

"You don't come back," "Owen glared at Ianto.

"We sent postcards." Ianto used his head to indicate the wall around the coffee machine covered with postcards from every exotic beach location around the world, including a few saucy ones Jack had chosen.

"Postcards! Oh, we got postcards alright. All of them were signed 'missing you NOT!' Or 'wish you weren't here' or 'having a lovely time so glad we are here and you are there'," Owen told him.

"Well Jack was in charge of doing the writing; I just picked them out then put them in the post."

"Gits, you left us short-handed! It's a bloody miracle any of us are still alive."

"Jack told me he called in a few favours," Ianto pointed out.

"Few favours my arse!" Owen continued his rant "Have you any idea how horrible UNIT is? Commander Travis was a sadist. I was expected to work shifts. Me!" Owen pointed to his chest. "He expected me here before nine o'clock Monday to Friday and work eight hours straight. We had to report in, hand over expense claims, write actual reports, and produce budgets."

"And he cut off Owen's internet porn account and his on line gaming," Gwen told Ianto who was trying to look seriously concerned.

"And the worst of all you left me here having to deal with Gwen and her PMS."

"Oi!" Gwen shouted out over her coffee.

"It was a bloody nightmare. She expected me to provide the same level of indulgent care you lavished on her. Heated wheat packs, mugs of hot chocolate, and the less said about the 'why are there no mini marshmallows? Ianto always puts mini mashmallows in my hot chocolate ' incident the better. YOU owe me a Rolex," Owen demanded.

"Rolex," Ianto put the tray under his arm.

"And not one of those cheap knock offs. I want the real thing,"

"I think it was having to put out the rubbish was the final straw," Gwen said to Owen almost as an aside.

"Why should I have to put the rubbish out? Look at your desks, covered in a layer of crap. I didn't suffer years of study to become a bloody cleaning lady."

"And then there was the time the SUV ran out of petrol," Tosh raced through the words then burst out laughing.

"How was I supposed to bloody know it was my turn…?" Owen glared at her.

"Your name was on the roster for that week for SUV duties," Tosh told him in a tone that suggested this was a long standing argument.

"I looked a right twat. Gunning up the motorway going hell for leather when next thing I'm slowing down and having pull over as I come to a dead stop on the shoulder."

"Oh yes," Gwen said tying speak and laugh at the same time. "Commander Travis said it was tough. He wasn't sending a tow and made him walk to the nearest garage can in hand," she burst out. "Five miles."

"There and back," Tosh agreed trying to breathe.

"And when he got back Bryn had wiped Owen's entire porn collection from the main frame," Gwen added.

"Sadistic bastard," Owen spat out and pointed at Gwen and Tosh who were now wiping their eyes.

"I think the feeling was mutual. I have never seen anybody hand over and leave so fast," Gwen added now concentrating on her coffee.

"Ianto did…" Tosh began to ask and realised Ianto had left them and joined Jack in his office.

Owen took a sip from his mug and took the few quiet moments to observe the pair.

"You know, they are looking very smug for a couple who just returned to work after extended leave." Owen narrowed his eyes.

"It's so romantic the way they just took off," Tosh said as they watched Jack pick up Ianto's hand and kiss the palm.

"It was like they both decided to run away at the same time. I got the feeling they were never coming back so why come home now?" Gwen added.

Tosh nodded in agreement. "When you run away you only come home when you need home."

"Like settle down you mean?" Gwen said and Tosh agreed nodding.

"And just how the hell do gay men settle down? They already have everything they could want and each other," Owen asked.

"They look so happy," Tosh said with a sigh as they watched as Jack came to Ianto side of his desk and placed his hand on Ianto's shoulder.

"Well something's up, you mark my words. Too bloody pleased with themselves by far," As the words left Owen's lips the office door opened. Ianto, followed by Jack, came over to them. They could all see Ianto was holding a number of white envelopes.

"Big announcement," Ianto said handing out the envelopes to Owen, Gwen and Tosh. We've bought a house."

"A house?" Gwen checked.

"We moved in a couple of weekends ago. We're having a house warming party this Saturday," Jack told them.

"Where have you bought?" Tosh asked as she opened her envelope.

"Penarth," Jack replied.

"That's a bit posh," Gwen pointed out.

"It's by the sea and…has a lovely family feel," Ianto pointed out.

"Have you splashed out and bought one of those flash apartments overlooking the harbour?" Owen asked.

"No it's a three bedroom semi-detached house, garden and..." Jack spoke up.

"When we saw it on-line and we knew it was exactly what we were looking for," Ianto finished Jack's sentence.

"What the hell do you two want with a garden?" Gwen burst out and looked at Jack. "Can't see you mowing the lawn. You moan about having to take the petrol cap off the SUV, let alone starting a mower. And you work for Torchwood; that garden is going to be a jungle!"

"We're going to put in a gazebo." Jack looked at Ianto. "And because it's Wales we're going to install a conservatory."

"Indoor, outdoor flow making most of the outdoors because it is Wales," Ianto said.

"Indoor outdoor flow…a gazebo… a conservatory," Owen burst out as if he wasn't hearing right.

"Do we need to bring anything?" Tosh piped up.

"Just your good selves." Ianto beamed and headed for the kitchen as Jack returned to his office.

"As I suspected something's up. You mark my words...too bloody smug by half," Owen retorted.

* * *

'Bread rolls, butter, sauce, salads, coleslaw, sausage rolls, dip, crisps, and vegetarian quiche just in case." Jack raised his eyebrows as Ianto verbally checked the table that was groaning with food.

"You never know, Rhys could now be a vegetarian. Desserts are in the fridge." Ianto moved to a large builder's bucket full of ice, ticking the list off on his fingers "Beer, wine and pop cooling and BBQ heating up." Ianto looked up with a slight frown which filled Jack with an urge to kiss it away "Do you think we have enough food? .

"It's plenty. You've covered every possible contingency down to the tofu burgers."

"It's our first official function and I want everything to be perfect."

Jack pulled him into a hug and gave him a quick kiss. "It will be, because you always make everything perfect."

Ianto moved in closer and wrapped his arms around Jack. "Not quite," Ianto teased and then smiled as Jack pouted. Jack tried to think what could have marred this perfection. As far as he was concerned every moment since that fateful night of the phone call life with Ianto was perfectly perfect in every way. "That bed still got some spots that still need softening."

"I see," Jack growled his answer and pulled Ianto in closer. "Well I have plans for later that might solve that problem."

Ianto reply was stilled as they heard a knock.

Opening the door they saw it was Rhys and Gwen.

"Very nice," Rhys said extending a hand as he looked around.

"Horrible wallpaper," Ianto pointed out.

"My aunt's got the same medallion wallpaper in her house only hers is green instead of red," Rhys added.

"Not for much longer," Jack told him.

"But it matches perfectly with the brown and orange carpet." Gwen added.

"So are you going to start doing some DIY?" Rhys asked as they followed them both into the living room.

"Takes too long and I don't know how long I can handle this wallpaper without going mad," Ianto pointed out. "I've already stripped off the rose wallpaper from the walls in our bedroom. What would you like to drink?" Ianto offered them both as they reached the food.

"What ya got?" Rhys asked and Ianto pointed the barrel of ice filled with bottles.

"This is a lovely place," Gwen enthused as they stood taking in the worn and out of date 1980's décor that clashed with the tasteful classic furniture. "Needs a bit of tidying up, modernise it. Three bedrooms...let me guess one's going to be a guest room the other an office."

"Bit of a commute," Rhys added twisting the top of the bottle. "At least forty minutes on a bad day. Are you going to keep your flat Ianto and just come here weekends?"

"I sold my flat. Just waiting for the sale to go final and then we're going to attack the inside of this place. And before you ask we are going to get someone in, but we will do all the prep," Ianto told them.

"Like lifting this carpet?" Gwen said.

"Starting with the carpet," Ianto agreed and they touched bottles.

Gwen suddenly remembered something and reached inside her jacket. "Before we forget this is for you both." Gwen held out an envelope.

Jack opened it to find a gift certificate for a popular garden centre.

"We thought you might need a few plants for the conservatory."

"Bloody good idea that is, this being Wales," Rhys told them.

"And a gazebo?" Gwen raised her eyebrows.

"We've decided on something else, and we want a nice lawn..." Anything further Ianto was about to say was interrupted by another knock on the door. A few moments passed and a boy of around eleven raced in and threw himself at Jack.

"My soldier," Jack said as he gave him a huge hug.

* * *

Hours later Owen found himself along with Rhys standing outside the front door before a small square ratty lawn and a mess of privet that had seen better days. He listened bemused as he tried to marry the man currently explaining the rational for a second parking space with Captain Jack who could run down a Weevil and have it hog tied in the back of the SUV in less than ten minutes.

"We thought we would concrete the garden so we've got extra space to park Ianto's car or mine. You can get these concrete imprinters so you can make it look like bricks at a fraction of the cost."

Rhys looked down the street and saw a couple of other houses that had done something similar and he agreed it made sense.

"Promise me you won't put up one of those giant fake butterflies," Owen said.

"God no, not the butterfly," Rhys interjected. "Bloody horrible things, my Mam's got three when she found out Gwen's Mum had one."

"And no bloody gnomes," Owen added.

Jack gave a twisted smile. "That I can promise. Don't ever let Ianto near gnomes with a sledge hammer; apparently his mother had a few he liberated to dust after she died."

Their heads lifted as one as a car screeched around the top of the street, the engine screaming. It came to a rubber-burning halt, and then took off for a few feet and stop again as if the driver was looking for something.

"Late guest?" Owen joked as a few houses up the car now found space and lurched onto the pavement, blocking it. The driver's door flew open and a man started, running towards them.

Squinting under the half light of the orange glow of the street lamp Jack felt himself go through fifty shades of emotion as the man's face became clear.

"Jack you have got to help me!" the man begged his arms out stretched.

As he came within reach Jack grabbed the man by the shirt front and slammed him up against one of the parked cars.

"You and I had a deal," Jacks spoke in deadly earnest "You would stay out of your brother's life and I wouldn't leave a Weevil surprise in your bedroom."

"I know I promised. Those things are horrible, tear a man apart but this is life and death," Charlie told him, shuddering in recollection of their altercation. Kidnapped, he had come around in some filthy warehouse to the words, "_Hello Charlie remember me?"_ Jack's smile still gave him nightmares.

Charlie bought himself back to the present as Jack shook him. "Life and death, how can this be life and death? Unless you mean you're still alive because it would give me more pleasure that you can know to make you disappear for real," Jack snarled.

Charlie shook his head, trying to keep his balance while on tiptoe. "This is why I had to see you. My life is on the line and I have to disappear, for real."

"What did you do?" Owen asked. "Knock up the local mobster's daughter then insult him?"

"No, Doctor Harper! Worse!"

Jack pushed his face into Charlie's. "Listen to me you snivelling excuse for a human being, the only reason you're not six foot under already is because for some insane reason your brother cares about you. God knows why because all you've ever done is embarrass and humiliate him in public."

"There are other things more terrible than Weevils," Owen said as another car raced by and Charlie started to struggle.

"You have got to help me vanish!" he begged.

Jack was about to say something more when they heard a strangled cry. Looking down the street they could see what appeared to be a very diminutive woman cradling her stomach storming down the pathway towards them. The fast tap, tap of her shoes seemed to echo around them as she got closer.

"Charlie boy!" she pointed and screamed at Charlie who was still being held up against the car.

"Help me Jack," Charlie whimpered.

Jack let go and Charlie hit the ground.

"Meiying," Charlie said in what sounded like strangled attempt at a sweet voice.

"Don't you 'Meiying' me, Charlie boy. You run away leave me with baby. You big scared man." On reaching him she saw he was in a group of people and began to appeal to them.

"He stay out late, he rude, he never home, he drink too much, I tell him off, and he run away." Meiying then launched into a tirade in her language, complete with pointed finger as Charlie backed along the car a look of terror on his face.

"Charlie?" Jack asked trying to hold back the widening of his grin as he enjoyed every moment

"Me big with baby, his baby. He lie to me, he tell me he big man, I come here I find out he is nothing."

A curtain twitch caught Jack's eye and he became acutely aware this was not the kind of impression neither he nor Ianto wanted to make in this neighbourhood. Taking Charlie's upper arm and then roughly maneuvered him down the side of the house and into the back garden.

* * *

Turning his head Ianto thought he heard what sounded like a small, angry crowd coming down the passage of the house. He saw Jack burst forward, manhandling someone who looked like…. "Ch...Ch...Charlie." Ianto dropped the plate in his hand.

Knowing Ianto's reaction Jack pushed Charlie aside and raced to Ianto's side.

"Who are these people you run away to?" Meiying demanded loudly. Ianto did a double-take, not sure where this small very heavily pregnant woman had come from. Even more surprising she was pointing at Charlie who was cowering in a way he had never seen before.

"This is my brother Ianto, and...and..."Charlie swallowed, waving his hand towards Ianto who had gone as pale as the plate on the ground with Jack was by his side, his arm around his waist. "And his partner Jack."

"You have brother you not tell me, why you not tell me?" Meiying put her hands on her hips.

"I wanted to, but..."

"You ashamed of me?" She became upset.

"No, it's that they are a couple of gay boys," he said almost as an aside. "My brother is one of them, a brownie, a fudge packer, a poof." Charlie heard a collective gasp.

Meiying looked towards Jack and Ianto then took in the house and garden. "Why you ashamed? He look like nice man, with another nice man, nice house. I bet this is their own home. Handsome gay boys with money. I think you ashamed of yourself. He better man than you," she announced, pulling herself to full height.

"What the hell is going on?" Gwen whispered to Rhys as he joined her.

"Family reunion," he said, moving to take a new bottle of beer.

"So this is the famous Charlie."

"And I found out why he didn't turn up to the wedding," Rhys handed her a beer.

Gwen looked at Rhys and he winked at her as the drama continued.

Looking around Meiying saw she had a bigger audience and pointed at Charlie.

"He tell me big lie, he big man, with own business, I come away and he just a little man with a big mouth, always in trouble. Now baby come soon he say he won't help that not man's job. I say he real man make me with baby so now he help. We have big words and he run away, I think he drink too much and I follow him here." She moved towards him and he backed up, looking desperately from left to right for an escape.

This dance continued when Meiying reached the table laid out with the food for the BBQ.

"I hate you Charlie boy!" She picked up a bowl of dip, weighing it in her hands.

"Ahhhh!" Charlie sidestepped the bowl, which hit the back of the fence scattering the contents over the lawn. In what seemed an instant he ducked as a plate of sandwiches followed. Before anyone could react several more plates of food headed Charlie's way.

"You make me so mad I break nice man's plates!" Tosh reached Meiying as she went for a bowl of fruit salad and spoke to her.

Meiying's eyes lit up as she realised Tosh was speaking to her in her own language and she launched into a speech full of gestures and finger stabbing towards Charlie who was now backed up against the fence.

"Her English is not so good. She's saying things about me…none of its true," Charlie tried to explain as he wiped off several gobs of food with his hand.

Meiying threw him a dagger-like gaze and shouted towards him. "I speak good England, I tell lady you man with big mouth and a little dick," she announced then returned her attention back to Tosh.

"What the hell is g...going on?" Ianto stuttered to speak as he bent down to pick up the plate he had dropped.

"I told you I was going overseas... well you see me and her…it happened so quickly next thing I'm ringed and wham she's here."

"You got married!" Ianto burst out and Charlie wiped his hands over his face.

"And the drinking?" Jack asked, amused.

"First thing to go," Charlie said with a tremor in his voice. "Then she demanded I be home at a same time every day. I refused; long distance is what I do, and next thing she had go at my boss now I'm only doing short delivery runs. She even wants me to cook, how the hell am I supposed to be a real man and cook? Me, bloody cooking and doing house work." He found a beer in his hand as Meiying glared at him.

"That only beer you get tonight, you get big mouth when you drink you then be rude to everyone." Meiying glared at him.

"See what I mean?" Charlie said as he twisted off the top and downed the bottle. "I'm down to one pint a night," he said as he wiped his mouth dry.

"One pint?" Ianto repeated, looking between him and Meiying.

"Yeah at least I drink a real man's drink," Charlie said with a tone reminiscent of the past, pointing to the cherry coke bottle now in Ianto's hand.

"See you start to be rude right now." Meiying turned to everyone. "He big mouth when he drink. Baby come he no drink!" Meiying declared.

"You have got to help me," Charlie turned and begged Jack. "Disappear, that's what you said. You said you could make me disappear."

"Jack?" Ianto dropped his enjoyment of Charlie's discomfort and looked at Jack.

"We had a deal we did, him and me," Charlie pointed out.

"Did you?" Ianto pursed his lips.

"Yes and right now that Texas funeral is looking more and more likely," Jack snarled.

"That would never work, Jack. We shouldn't chance he could dig his way out. We'll need concrete," Ianto pointed out. "Six feet of concrete in every direction. It's the only way to be sure."

Charlie's face dropped another notch. "I thought I could rely on you as my brother to help me. Jack made me a promise, and I want disappearing."

"Don't tempt me," Jack spat back.

"Not six feet under. I'll go anywhere in the world you will never see me again."

Meiying finally ran out of steam and Tosh gave her a hug.

Moments passed when she lifted her chin and faced Charlie "I leave you Charlie boy!" she started to move off. Charlie looked triumphant and crossed his arms.

"I'm really leaving, Charlie," she called out in a sing-song voice.

Charlie turned and walked across to the ice bucket and pulled out a beer.

"I'm leaving you never see me again, I mean it this time." Meiying placed one foot in front of the other with slow deliberateness.

Twisting off the cap he turned to watch the scene then threw back the beer and drowned it in what seemed one gulp. Just as he reached the wiping his hand across stage he heard a gasp. Meiying, on reaching the entrance to the passage, was bent over holding her stomach.

Before even Owen could react Charlie's eyes flew open. He threw down the bottle in his hand and raced across the space between them in three strides. "Meiying!" he cried out.

Within seconds he was helping her into a chair, holding her hand as Owen checked her out.

"Why you make me so mad you make baby come early?"

"I don't know. I'm sorry. I'm stubborn, cleaning house it's not what I do; or cooking."

"But this your baby too." Meiying looked at him her eyes full of tears.

"I know. It's too much change, all in one go. I don't want you to leave I want the baby," he said softly.

"Okay then." Meiying broke into a big smile.

"False alarm, but you are very close only a few more days to go," Owen told her and indicated another chair to be brought over so she could put her feet up.

"My flower," Charlie told her as he lifted her feet.

"Don't you flower me. If you don't shape up I leave you and live with nice lady." Tosh looked worried, shook her head and backed away.

"No, I'll try. Come home," Charlie said.

"This time I come home," she announced and Charlie looked relieved. Tosh made her way over to where Jack and Ianto where standing. Moments passed and Owen joined them.

"What is it with families and drama?" Owen asked shaking his head.

"Going to be more drama later when Jack and I have words and he explains his deal with Charlie," Ianto told him, his eyes flaring.

"Just promise one of you won't end up at my place," Tosh warned. "One domestic a day is enough."

"Just think...Charlie's personality mixed with hers," Owen pointed out.

"Charlie married," Ianto took a sip from his glass in disbelief.

"Yes, they met via a dating service; he's being going back and forth for several years trying to persuade her to marry." Tosh explained as she joined them.

"Do you think she'll he okay?" Jack asked.

"From what she said she is more than a match for him. To say they have a stormy relationship is an understatement." Tosh added. They looked across to see Charlie fussing over Meiying.

"I think we can hold off on the concrete," Ianto said as the humour of the situation caught up with him.

* * *

"I think we should tell everyone our news," Jack pointed out as things now began to settle down.

"Okay," Ianto said in an out breath.

"Annocument everybody," Jack said loudly and took Ianto's hand.

"As you know we took a very long extended leave. And we also know many of you have wondered why we came home. Firstly it was because two weeks was not long enough and for that we make no apologies. While we were away we made a huge decision, it means all sorts of changes and the return of Commander Travis. While this plays out..." He paused at the look of dismay on Owen's face.

"While we were away we met this young woman, she was pregnant and desperate she had been turned down by three sets of parents so we decided to adopt," Ianto continued.

"Guys we're having a baby," Jack said.

"Dad that's wonderful!" Alice raced forward. Jack pulled her into a hug.

Rhys raced forward and took Ianto's hand. "Congratulations! Is it a boy or girl?"

"Girl," Ianto told him.

"Any names yet?" Gwen asked excitedly.

"Still not quite decided," Ianto admitted. 'But we have a short list."

"I'm going to be a…" Steven said trying to work where he fitted.

"Grand-brother" Jack said as he now moved to give him a hug.

"Oh you gay boys have baby," they heard a voice interrupt and turned as one towards Meiying. "We have double christening."

"Oh God," Ianto looked horrified.

"Yes, we can wet both babies' heads." Charlie's face grew into a huge grin.

"Oh God no!" Ianto groaned.

"Families, and people wonder why I've never got married," Owen said as he watched the scene then took a long sip of beer.


End file.
